On your marks ...

Feb1, 2010 - Day 1

Just because you’ve convinced the world that you are strong ... doesn’t mean you are.  

I’m learning a lot about vulnerabilities.   That’s a word I never thought could be attributed to me.

Cancer is a lonely disease. 

It’s weird.  No matter how strong you think you are and how much your friends help or how often your family may think of you ... it’s a very lonely world inside” the little shop of horrors”.  It’s just natural.   But weird, none-the-less.   Cancer is simply a very lonely place. 

It’s my first day of chemo and, bless her heart, Tammy has been here for me in a way I could never have dreamt!   Even though I've been very busy having fun, surrounded by friends,  it’s been an “inner loneliness” kind of few days leading up to this day.  A few nice emails but not one call from family. Disappointing? Yes.  but really? .. what can anyone do, or say, right now to change anything??  Sadly, not much.  :(   When you’re perceived as “strong” by other people, you run the risk of everyone thinking you don’t ever “need” help.   How wrong they are.  I’ve been a bucket of internal mush and there are times when you just wish you could let people actually see that.  But I don't seem to be very good at that. 

I’ve been doing lots to keep my mind occupied and my body active.    I’ve also been “nesting” and preparing to hunker down for a long winters’ nap.  LOL   I sort of feel like I’m stocking up the bomb shelter ... just in case.   I know the next  14 weeks will be anything but lounging around getting fat and happy watching Oprah(!) but I do feel like I’m prepared for anything (well – except for a blizzard because I HATE shoveling snow!).

I'm on the radiation table, snuggled into "foam Lori", wrapped in those delicious, warm hospital blankets and the technicians (Mark and Charlene) have my tattoos and other alignment marks all lined up ... 

On your marks, get set ... GO!

30 treatment days and this will all be behind me.  :)