Reality Check

I'm going to give a more detailed update this week because I am hearing from people (sadly, mostly from my mother - who lives 1000's of miles away) who think my treatment is no big deal and that it appears to be far easier than treatments others go through.  Not necessarily so. Aggressive cancer = aggressive treatment!  It's a concentrated, brutal regiment/protocol that I'm choosing to deal with in a positive, light-hearted way - but it is very difficult and very PAINFUL.  I just prefer to take a positive/optimistic approach to it all. 

Let me be graphic for a moment.  Take the worst injury or wound you have ever had: imagine it, visualize it and remember how it felt.   (In my case they removed a tumour the size of a small plum - so imagine that wound).   Now, inject your body with 16 hrs of chemo therapy drug that destroys your bone marrow and kills fast growing cells (all mucus linings, new growth cells healing the wound, blood cells and hopefully - cancer cells) and it makes your body ache in ways you never thought possible.   Now, take that wound and blast it with 14 zaps of full strength radiation every day (for 30 days).  Now place that inflamed, angry wound in your anus ... with the end of it in your anal sphincter.  Now poop.  Imagine that.

P A I N F U L  beyond compare.   :(

Now, think about eating.  If I eat one food that disagrees with me (and lately EVERY food seems to disagree with me!) - I get immediate, urgent, violent diarrhea.  Imagine the acidic effects of that diarrhea on that open, angry injury??  I spend about 7 hrs per day with horrible diarrhea - every day.   Lately, I've had 2 only days without it - those were 2 GREAT days!    I've had moments when I have really considered dumping my dinner straight into the toilet .. to avoid the imminent pain!  ;)

Because my body is creating so many new cells to combat the chemo, radiation and healing of the surgery, my metabolic rate has gone through the roof!  I'm hungry all the time and I eat when I get hungry ... it's the only way to heal.   The downside is that when you eat - you poop!  arrgghhh

My mornings (upon waking up) are filled with the realization of the horror of the pain of starting a new day.  The chemo and radiation have blown away my body's ability to produce bone marrow (most of your bone marrow is created in your pelvic region) so my long bones in my legs and arms are trying to ramp up production to keep my blood levels and immune system up.  This is very painful (think growing pains when you were a child) and it makes sleeping sporadic at best.  Now, imagine someone has taken a cheese grater to your genitals and then poured lemon juice on them.   Those ARE the effects of radiation to your pelvic region.   This is definitely NOT fun! I am just dealing with the effects better than most patients tend to. The radiation team tells me that many people are in a wheel chair by this point of treatment - simply because it is too painful to walk. 

As Jack Nicholson said, as he was dealing with chemo, in Bucket List "right now, there is some lucky bastard having a heart attack!"  How true that statement feels on some days.  

It's just reality for me for the past few months and it's what lays ahead for the next few months.   This is not about the pain of today -- this is only about the cure for tomorrow.  This is about healing ... not about being sick. 

So, no.  I don't complain, I don't cry and whine about my pain or what I am going through. I look for all the positive in the world around me and I'm so incredibly thankful for a treatment that is likely to cure me.   Yes, I may act too bravely sometimes but I don't act sick, I try hard to not look sick, I won't play sick and I don't believe I am sick -- these are the only ways to beat this thing! 

The cancellation of chemo this week was NO small event.  While those on longer, staggered, lower dose cancer treatments can postpone a treatment until bloodwork is better -- I cannot.  This was a one-shot deal - chemo has to be concurrent with radiation.   I can only hope that it didn't affect my chances of beating this thing ...  I'm going with that premise - because right now, it's all I have.   That and the powerful, positive affect of the people like YOU all around me!

I believe that I am like the Canadian Men's Hockey team ...  I was delivered a harsh reality check but it hasn't knocked me out of Gold Medal contention.  

Thank you all for believing in me!   Only 2 short weeks of treatment to go  - and then recovery begins.   :)